Painkillers
by misericordia98
Summary: "All I ask is... That you don't say her name out loud." /One-Shot/


**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters in it.**

* * *

She knocked for the third time on the front door, starting to feel rather worried about the lack of response from the other side. Her hands were already shaking with anticipation. She swore to break through if he didn't open the bloody door in the next five seconds.

The clicking sound instantly lifted off her fears but didn't ease her in the least. Kakashi stood still, leaning on the door with an emotionless expression. Sakura swallowed. She had, in fact, never seen him in a casual attire, moreover without anything hiding more of his face. All he had now was a t-shirt and it bothered her. What was with the sudden exposure? He was never like this. Not with anyone around.

"You... you called." She stammered, suddenly taken aback by the fact that he was a beautiful sight without anything covering his face.

* * *

 _What the hell... who had the guts to call her at 4 am in the morning? Someone who did not know she could break bones with her knuckles, for sure. The phone rang out loud by the time she had opened her eyes and was awake enough to talk. Her hand grabbed the phone on her bedside cabinet angrily._

 _"What?" She hissed._

 _All she received from the other side was thick silence._

* * *

He stepped back, inviting her silently in. Sakura stepped inside his apartment and heard the door closing behind her. She remembered something and her hand slipped into her pocket, pulling out a small prescription bottle.

"Here." She dragged his attention as he passed like a shadow beside her. "They will help you."

He turned to look at her and took it from her hand.

"Thank you."

* * *

 _"Hello?" She raised a brow. "Whoever you are, please tell me you didn't wake me up for nothing."_

 _The barely discernable sound of inhaling and then exhaling reached her ears. Her heart sunk within her. It sounded... heavy. As if the person has had an issue with breathing or was... in pain._

 _"Who is it?"_

 _"Do you have a spare of painkillers?"_

 _"Kakashi?" Sakura straightened up to a sitting position. She still felt weird to call him without any of the titles he deserved. It was his personal wish. "Are you alright?"_

 _It took her a few seconds of silence to realize how badly she wanted to slap herself. Of course, he wasn't. It was 4 am._

 _"What do you need them for? Is it something serious?" She uncovered from the sheets and groped in the dark to find the switch for the light._

 _"Just a headache."_

 _"Are you at home?" She asked immediately after his strangled reply. She couldn't quite read what happened with him. Did he lie to her?_

* * *

Sakura furrowed.

Kakashi walked ahead and she decided to follow, although hesitatingly. They ended up in the kitchen, as she predicted and she leaned on the counter, folding hands. He took a glass and filled it with water. His fingers opened the prescription bottle and glanced down at it for a second as if estimating something.

"These are one of the strongest," Sakura spoke out, her voice strangely distant in the silence. "Thought you might wanna know."

Sakura felt a weird tension in the air. Perhaps it was just her. She looked around, never actually getting to see where her sensei lived. It was casual, even cozy in a way. A medium sized apartment with everything necessary. Resembled hers a bit. Her gaze returned to Kakashi soon after. Highly unusual behavior, she thought. He was lively and spoke more often. Perhaps it was because of the fact that the hour was impossible and it was pitch dark outside. Everything was asleep.

* * *

 _"I'm home."_

 _"Okay, should I come to give you these?" She read through the tags of the rows of boxes and prescription bottles in her bathroom, at last, grabbing one._

 _"If it won't be..." His voice trailed off, without finishing the sentence although she didn't interrupt him._

 _Sakura's eyes went to and fro. Most definitely was she to go to and see him. Right now. Something was not right, at all. That wasn't the cheerful Kakashi she was used to. And it had nothing to do with the fact that it was 4 in the morning. She turned back to her bedroom and put on her trousers. Then grabbed her coat and put on her slippers, leaving the house empty._

* * *

Her breath was abated. It was so quiet that she could hear both of them breathing. He swallowed the pills... Sakura's eyes widened. What? Did she see more than one pill in his palm just now?

"Kakashi, how many pills did you take?" She asked abruptly, trying to sound calm but he was already a few steps away from her, leaving his empty glass in the sink.

"Two." He replied as his hands leaned on the counter.

Sakura calmed down. Two weren't threatening his life. Although one was more than enough. She took the pills back to her pocket and scanned him from head to toe.

"Would you just let me see if you don't have a fever or something?" Sakura stepped to him and waited for him to turn around. And he did.

Her hand stopped in mid-air.

"Oh, God..." She whispered in astonishment.

Tears were falling from his eyes but his expression was still the same. He looked aside and waited in silence.

Sakura was at a loss, her hand dropped slowly down a bit. But she changed her mind and her fingers gently tried to turn his chin towards her but he just refused to look at her in the eyes.

"Kakashi-sensei?" She neared him a pace away. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." He replied hoarsely, finally meeting her eyes with a forced cheerfulness. "You should go home."

"Kakashi, you're crying," Sakura spoke every word distinctly, watching him straight in the eye. Quite the phenomenon. She realized she had never actually seen him cry before.

"I'm not crying." He assured her, now firmer but his words were just powerless because they contradicted the fact.

Sakura felt her throat tight all of a sudden. What an interesting sight he was. So tragic that it almost brought tears to her eyes. And never as handsome, her heart was surely beating faster than usual.

"Are you in pain?" She asked, still not understanding.

"No. I'm fine. Thank you for coming."

"I'm not leaving until I'm sure you're alright." She denied his discreet suggestion. Like she'd leave him like that. "You can't fool a medic like me, you know. And I won't give up because you taught me not to, whatever the circumstances."

He blinked, tears still running down his face. Sakura felt a tad warmer as his eyes now fixed on her in a tormenting silence. His expression was just wondrously holding a faint smile despite what his eyes showed. And Sakura was a little embarrassed, realizing how close she had been the whole time. Looking at him without anything covering his face was like looking at a completely different person. There were slight violet circles around his usually clear-sighted and warm eyes. And his hair was as disheveled as it could get.

"Why are you crying?" Sakura demanded, not being able to stand his odd grimace of covered sadness.

She could read everything on his face now when there was nothing to hide it. It was easily discernable.

"I..." He looked down for a second and by the time he looked back at her, he had finally acquired the sincere sorrow his eyes already gave up. "Just an unpleasant anniversary, that's all."

He lightly caressed his forehead, sighing.

"I will send you off."

Sakura wrinkled at him before heaving up to kiss him. He hid his surprise well enough, giving out only a tremble. But then leaned toward her, deepening the kiss rather quickly. His reaction was so unexpected that she drew back, trying to meet his eyes in question. All these years... if she knew a kiss at 4.30 in the morning would be completely fine with him, she wouldn't have kept her feelings in secret for so long.

It took no more than five seconds in looking at her before his hand dragged her out of the kitchen and through another door until finally letting go of her. It was, as she could quite clearly guess, his bedroom. The weak light, coming from the other room was enough to discern his features but as a whole, it was darker where she stood.

Sakura stared at him in wonder. She started to realize what has actually gotten into him. The unpleasant anniversary was just the top of the iceberg. There were layers and layers of other issues. Minor issues that stacked up for years and threatened to destroy one's sanity. She knew of him to be a disciplined and an overall composed person but it seems everyone lost their battle around the same time of the day. The darkest hours were the hardest.

She could see it in his eyes. He had lost the battle this night. And still, amidst the darkness, amidst all the fears, regrets and sorrows he was currently drowning in, he was giving her a choice. The door was open and she was free to go if she wanted to.

Sakura needed no time for thinking, though, she made up her mind a long time ago. Either him or nobody. That was the reason everyone her age had someone and she lived all alone. Just because if it wasn't him, her love wouldn't be true and she would lie to herself for loving whoever it was in her arms. Yes, a lot of people thought there's something wrong with her. She didn't meet anyone, never. Because it didn't matter if it wasn't him.

Sakura took off her coat and left it on the nearby chair, feeling that his eyes followed her motions. Then she slowly took off her trousers and t-shirt. Before even finishing he had pushed her back to his bed, clutching her in a tight grip.

"I didn't want to..." He whispered in her ear, his voice clearly trembling as he took off his clothes too.

Her body slightly arched as he pushed her down and made her let out a quiet sigh.

"I never wanted to, Sakura." His breath came out shattered and she opened her eyes.

Sakura finally came to the realization of what he was talking about. Anniversary. He still hadn't forgiven himself.

The white light coming from the street lamps barely made its way through the curtains but still added a soft nuance to Kakashi's slate and Sakura's blush hair and outlined their fit forms, now attached to one another.

"It's alright... It's alright." Sakura caressed his hair gently and he turned to unite his lips with hers.

Not surprising at all, their kiss tasted salty, but in its continuously growing pressure and depth it lost every unpleasant tinge it might have previously had.

 _"It's not and never will be."_ He breathed out, desperation soaked in his words.

Sakura felt as if he had physically hit her.

He still loved _her_. He still loved _her_ and _she_ still haunted him. Body and soul.

It was Sakura's turn to smother the tears coming out of her eyes. It didn't matter that he held her, it could've been anyone in her place. The fact that he needed her body didn't mean he needed her. Did he imagine... it was Rin? Did he imagine it was her skin he was touching and her lips he tasted? Probably. Sakura swallowed her tears, trying her best to hide how upset the thought made her. Which turned out really hard since he noticed her every move, the way she convulsed and writhed underneath him.

Their movements soon synchronized, but as gentle as he was, Sakura was less and less able to hold back her tears. The sound of his voice, echoing in her ears with such weakness pierced through as daggers through her heart. And the thought of the soft touch of his lips on her neck not being meant for her made her hate herself for relishing on it as nothing ever before. Their bodies strained and relaxed in a slow rhythm that eased vastly the previous tension with its delightful waves.

Just that Sakura still felt unwanted. The desire to help only led her to a stronger form of loneliness.

"Sakura?" Kakashi asked in a whisper after a while and she met his eyes, although she knew they were blurred. "Am I hurting you?"

A good question. She bit her lip.

"Of course not." Sakura heaved a bit so that she could touch his nose with hers playfully as both their heartbeats had become more frequent; along with their shattered breathing.

He leaned to reach the soft spot under her ear and a muffled moan escaped her lips. His slow pace was a downright torture.

"Tell me."

He always knew when someone was lying to him. Her sadness did force her way out and her eyes filled with tears after all.

"I only ask..." She whispered, trying to speak over the warmth that pulsed through her.

 _All I ask is..._

 _That you don't say her name out loud._

Damn it, she couldn't even manage to form a sentence over the sensation that washed through her.

 _Because if you do..._

Soon after, it pierced through him too.

 _I would not have a reason to live._

 _"Sakura..."_ Kakashi's frail voice broke off but made her so happy. It was the best present she'd ever received. It has always been. His voice was the one thing that kept her going through the years of pain, sorrow, and difficulties.

The seconds passed one after another as all they did was breathe heavily.

"I fell in love with you, you know," Sakura confessed in sadness after the silence spread for quite some time, using the moment he was still resting on her. "Four years ago."

"I know." Kakashi shifted slowly next to her but his words surprised and she turned to face him.

She wanted to speak; to speak out... but her throat was tight once again, tears threatened to suffocate her all over again.

 _"What?"_ Sakura managed a whisper, too upset to have her voice sound normal.

"Forgive me..." He paused, his voice softer than before, "for making you wait for so long."

"I-" Sakura furrowed.

Kakashi pulled her into a hug.

"I just couldn't..." He took a breath and exhaled sharply. "I couldn't let her go."

She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. It surely wasn't making her feel any better but at least, she was appreciated. She didn't cure the disease, she was just a painkiller, temporarily easing the pain. But it was fine by her.

Sakura nestled her tiny figure against his and raised her head to touch their foreheads gently.

"I don't care if you're still in love with her as long as you don't cry." Sakura gave him an awry smile. "Don't cry ever again. You're breaking my heart. I can live through everything else."

"I'm the one who gives the orders, Haruno." Kakashi reminded her in a murmur and she chuckled.

"Yes, sir."

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading. Had this going on in my head for a long time. Hope you like it.**

 **This is some kind of a slight AU in which she's not with Sasuke after the end of the war but instead has always been secretly in love with Kakashi and has sworn to have him or nobody else.**


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